Tag Archives: Super Bowl

Dear Newt: Will there finally be healthcare for all on the Moon?


Who will win the race for Moon Colony Healthcare Provider?

Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich promises to colonize the Moon if he is elected. I guess he will let the hard questions be answered by NASA, but I suspect he hasn’t really thought this through.

For instance, are we claiming the Moon as a territory of the United States? We ARE the only ones who have been there, so I suppose that’s just as good a reason as any. Hard to believe we’re considering taking a place over that no one else wants… what do we know about the Moon that other governments don’t?

Many questions need to be answered before I become a Moon colonist. For instance, if the Moon becomes American territory, can its residents vote? And can Moon children grow up to become president some day? But the important question for me, as a mother and a person destined to become old, is, “What will my Moon citizen health care options will be?”

Let’s say your family volunteers to help populate the Moon. On the way there your child comes down with the flu. You cannot receive medical benefits until you complete your mandatory six-month quarantine period. And besides, the medical plan considers this a “pre-existing condition” since it happened before you landed on Lunar soil. Luckily, you discover that Moon dust actually deters the development of the flu virus and your child gets well quickly. You have dodged a bullet this time!

See, this whole Moon colony idea is just a wee bit premature. If we take a few decades and get some really smart people with no presidential aspirations whatsoever together to plan this brave new world, we might be able to fix a few things that aren’t working so well down here on the mother planet. This could be our one chance at a “do-over.”

That will never happen.

I suspect that what the government will do is set up some of their cronies in various industries with exclusive rights to provide services to the Moon colonization project. There will be a race to be the first bank, the first casino, the first Moonrover dealership, and the first health care provider.

I would not be surprised to learn there is already a bidding war between Highmark and UPMC over who gets that first health care contract. Those two not-for-profit healthcare systems are already duking it out for total control of the market. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the first highly produced commercials for their Moon Medicine Research team rolled out during the Super Bowl this year.

No, there will be no improvements in how things run on the Moon. Because we still don’t have consensus down here about what’s broken, and the really smart people who know how to fix things are staying away from politics in droves.

We are going to start a new society up there and we’re going to screw that one up too.

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Filed under Humor, Pittsburgh, Politics, satire, Society

Keisel’s beard shaving event benefits Children’s Hospital cancer patients


Pittsburgh Steeler Brett Keisel’s beard donated itself to charity today with the first snip coming at the hands of team president Art Rooney II.  Keisel introduced Rooney by saying “I hope this is the only time he cuts me.”  400 fans paid $25 each to view the event, raising over $30,000 for the hospital.

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Brett Keisel’s beard is tuft of legends


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

The “Beard Me” game has just gone viral!  Pictures of Pittsburgh children, grandparents and pets are getting ‘shopped with Brett’s beard!  Resistance is futile!

The Beard even has its own Facebook Page! 

There are WAY too many days between the division championship games and the Super Bowl now that the Pro Bowl is played early!  Look what people will resort to in order to be part of the action!  I have a full time job and a family, and I still find time to play with the digital pic toys to entertain myself and perhaps others who can’t afford a ticket to Dallas. 

A seventh ring is truly the stuff of legends, and who wouldn’t want to feel part of that?!  But kiddies… your parents have a deep dark secret for you.  Come close and listen up.  We don’t want to jinx it, and we don’t want to spoil your fun, but — well, we’ve been here before — way back in the day — and that one for the thumb took a few decades to arrive.  We know this doesn’t happen all the time — even to the Steelers.  So get ready for a long dry spell when our ageing stars retire with a fist full of bling.   We can hope for the best.  And we can add another song to the roster of Steelers parodies:  Thanks for the Memories.  Still, we hope they keep on comin!

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Steelers will be leavin on the Jets’ Plane


Steelers will soon be taking the (US) Airways to Seven (rings)!

Our bags are packed, we’re ready to go

We beat the Jets, in the cold and snow,

They bet us their team airplane, thats no lie!

Now the paint is dry, we’re on our way

Our fans are wavin, we’re glad they came

To send us off to Super Bowl Forty Five…

So we’re leavin’ on The Jets’ Plane

Don’t think that they’ll be back again

Praise Tomlin and LeBeau!

And we’re leavin’ on The Jets’ Plane

Gonna play in Cowboys Stadium!

Green Bay?

           OKay!

                   Here we go!

(With apologies to the late John Deutschendorf!)

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We are (almost) the Champ-yinz


Pittsburgh - Historic City of Champions!

The Steelers have done it again!  Payback time for the Ravens.  Trash talk about breaking Ben’s nose again didn’t help their chances, even though they had us on the ropes after just the first quarter.   It is a great feeling to be in a town with a legendary football team whose players take the high road.   This team was hot in the 70’s and then took a couple decades to get back to form, but here we go again.   Ben seems to have redeemed himself personally (reports are he’s even engaged) and on the field — he didn’t even play the first four games.  Even the Raven’s players said “it isn’t all Ben.”  Its the team.  And this year we got ourselfs a nice new little ditty to sing — a ripoff of a Beyonce song called ” Steeler Ladies” which I will direct you to now for your listening pleasure.

And here is an interesting numbers game from someone on Facebook.  No idea of its origins:  Steelers are chasing a 7th super bowl in their 77th season, BEN is # 7, who is in his 7th season, he was also the 11th pick. In order to advance, he must beat the Ravens for the 7th straight time, for a chance to possibly avenge a loss 7 seasons ago, against the team that just so happened to win the Superbowl 7 seasons ago. If Ben wins number 7 in 11, it would also be his 11th playoff victory.  AND the city is in SEVENTH HEAVEN!

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Ben Roethlisberger’s Home Movies


What the heck does Ben do with those fan videos he’s been taking?

 

When he and Troy and Santonio and Hines and James and Willie and Ike and Jeff get together do they actually watch these videos?   If they do, I imagine it might go something like this:

 

Ben:  “Oh man, this is awesome!  Guys!  Watch this!  This one is from the Pittsburgh parade.  It’s the part where the fans are cheering and waving Terrible Towels and shouting ’Go Steelers!’”

 

Willie:  “Yah, but wait until you see MY video from Tampa!  THOSE fans were cheering and waving Terrible Towels and shouting ‘Go Steelers!’ AND chanting “SIX-burgh, SIX-burgh, SIX-burgh!”

 

Ben (elbowing Santonio who is asleep in the recliner):  “Santonio!  Wake up man!  You’re missing this!”

 

Santonio:  “Huh?  Oh, uh ‘I just want to be the guy that makes the big plays.’”

 

Ike:  “You two chumps don’t know nuthin ‘bout makin’ movies.  Ben can’t hold the bleepin’ camera still and half of Willie’s footage is out of focus!”

 

Hines:  “C’mon guys, let’s not fight.  Nobody’s video is better than the other guy’s.  We don’t have to trash talk.”

 

James:  “Aw somebody go get a Kleenex, Hines is cryin’ again!”

 

Troy:  “When we get to my video pay attention! I need you guys to help me ID the fan who had his hand in my pocket when I dove into the crowd.  My wallet’s been missing ever since.”

 

Jeff:  “Guys, I’ve been thinking.  Maybe I need more black roots and less blonde tips.  Whaddya think?”

 

But seriously, what could be the point of taking those videos? 

 

My bet is it’s all about the babes!  Cuz I’m guessing he doesn’t have that camera trained on the hairy blitzed-out guys. 

 

I’m just sayin’.

 

 

 

 

 

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What Now Sixburgh?


What are we going to do for the next six months now that the Super Bowl has been won and da ‘burgh has held its congratulatory parade/350,000 person group hug/semi-annual mosh pit for Troy Polamalu?

 

Any suggestions?

 

*  We could dedicate each month to a different winning Super Bowl and watch them on DVD.  This would give us another excuse to have the guys over for beer and bbq.  Like we need another excuse for THAT!   Maybe we could get Lowe’s Theater at the Waterfront to show them every Sunday from here until the first exhibition game.  Kind of like a double Lord of the Rings trilogy marathon.  They don’t call the guys the Lords of the Rings for nothing! Who wants to make that call to the management?

 

*  We could have a contest to see who has the most Steelers merchandise.  The winner would get MORE merch!  The natives here still have all of their memorabilia from those five previous wins.  Someone at work wore their Super Bowl XIII button this week.  Parents are getting to enjoy a second childhood by passing along their souvenirs to the kids. We handed down the Lynn Swann 88 jersey to our 12 year old son to wear on Black and Gold day at school.  But some souvenirs can’t be handed down:  I heard about a woman with Jack Lambert’s number 58 tattooed on her backside!

 

*  Turn our attention to the Penguins or Pirates?  The Pens more likely, but the Pirates?  Not if you want to watch a team win.  In our family during the seventh inning stretch when everyone joins in to sing Take Me Out to the Ball Game we change the words to “if they don’t win it’s THE SAME.”  Still, lots of people go to Pirate’s games because they are affordable, the ball park is great, the food is pretty good and you can enjoy a nice long chat with your friends because not much of anything exciting happens during a Pirate’s game except for the Perogie Race. 

 

What are YOUR post-Super Bowl survival plans?

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